Monday, September 14, 2009

teaching blues

today between my duty, meetings, paperwork responsibilities, and more meetings i think i saw maybe three children. saw as in looked at them. not interacted with them in any meaningful way. you'd have no idea that i worked at a school if you were following me around today. you'd even wonder if any of the important things i was doing was going to benefit kids sometime in the future.

i left today feeling disheartened and frustrated. maybe this job isn't for me, i found myself thinking. i'm certainly not feeling good at it today- in fact, i'm feeling pretty lousy at my job today. nothing is adding up right. anxiety is building up over what seems like silly things. debates in meetings over minuscule details. do i chime in because i have an opinion, or do i stay quiet, because it's such a small detail that staying quiet will end the conversation faster? do i staple the papers here, or here? what font should the files be labeled in?

i found myself day dreaming about other jobs i could do. reminding myself to get to work on applying for phd programs. wondering if i was ready to go back to being a classroom teacher.

but even classroom teachers have grouchy days.

i feel disheartened today because paperwork is not what i am good at. when i decided to take this job i told myself i would make paperwork something i was good at. i've been out to prove for 2 years that paperwork is something i am good at. but today, after printing, copying, stapling, and sorting 50 copies of ieps, i've decided, if i'm not always good at paperwork *take a deep breath* i'm going to let that BE OK. we don't have to be good at everything. meetings are not something i am good at. i hate them, in fact. and, for today, i am going to tell myself, that IS OK. i don't have to be good at meetings to have a good life.

i don't have to find a new job after one bad day.

tomorrow i can work with kids. i will schedule an iep- and i enjoy ieps because we focus on the strengths and needs of one kid instead of details that i'm not sure will make an impact in the future. tomorrow i will teach a writing lesson, work with first graders on listening to the beginning sounds in words, play games with their high frequency words, and help kindergartners learn to write their name. i will learn a new skill tomorrow when i'm trying to give a normed educational assessment for the first time. i will meet with the aids to go over the best way they can help our kiddos succeed.

tomorrow will be great. i will not worry about what i am good at, or not good at. i will not worry about what other people think i am good at, or not good at. tomorrow i will remember why i love my job.

today though, i'm going to eat ice cream.

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