Thursday, July 31, 2008

full of self-pity, don't read unless you want to wallow with me

i'm serious, ms. anonymous who always comments about what a stress-ball i am, don't bother to read this. why read something that will bother you? blogging is therapeutic for me, so today is word-vomit. go read someone else's happy blog.

i am exhausted. i was kind of worried i would fall asleep as i drove my car to grad school today. and i got to leave school at 1! i wasn't even staying the whole day.

i have a final tomorrow in class but have no idea when i'm going to study (yes, i could be studying now instead of blogging. thanks for pointing it out) i have not exactly paid attention in class the last 2 weeks. this is unlike me. i'm usually attentive and organized in grad school. i usually keep very organized and detailed notes. today i'm not sure i can tell you anything we studied over our 3 weeks of class. nor can i find it in the mess of papers at the bottom of my bag. what was wrong with me?

i'm working on not caring that i might not do well on the final. that's not a skill i'm good at. i mean, it doesn't matter, right? what really matters is how i perform at my job, not my grades in grad school. what i want to be able to do is say, ok mrs lipstick, its ok to not do well on the final. nobody cares about your grades in grad school. its ok to just get by. its more important to be well-rested for working with the kids tomorrow, and more important to work on actual school stuff than study for a test that has nothing to do with anything i want to do in life.

but my mind is really saying "what are you thinking, not studying? are you crazy? what if you don't do well? what will the professor think? and you have to have 2 more classes with her! she's your advisor! how can you sit down at a test and not study? you're already doomed since you didn't start yesterday!"

i have never not studied. (that's not true. i did not study for my ap history test in 11th grade. i got a 4. my college only gave students credit if they got a 5. so not studying forced me to take history in college, which put a serious dent in my gpa because even though i studied for that class i still didn't do so good.)

but i don't really feel i'm performing my best at my job either. i am going to need to do a lot of brainstorming for one of my kiddos this year and i'm feeling pretty lost on how to help him. usually ideas form in my head throughout the day, but right now i'm focused on staying awake and not bursting into tears. (i warned you about the self-pity). i feel like i'm letting my co-teachers down, as well as the kids i work with. i haven't had time to chat with teachers and hear the ins and outs of the day so i feel like i'm unprepared to be in classrooms.

i suppose that is enough procrastination. i will go study a bit. just enough to get by at least.


Jenny said...

You're way to brilliant to stress about a test too much. Your kids are doing fine - they just need time to adjust to the new year. It's only been four days. Your co-teachers understand. They've all been there. In a couple of weeks you won't even remember how bad this was (unless you go back to re-read this).

Unknown said...

Remember the beginning of school IS STRESSFUL. We KNOW BECAUSE WE ARE teachers. We support you. Take a nap. You will feel better.

Anonymous said...

Ms Anony here....
Feel free to complain! Who wouldn't? Anybody with a stressful job, who chooses to attend grad school and push themselves past the limit of endurance time and again certainly deserves to vent. It's your blog, babe. But where's the joy and satisfaction in killing yourself?
Listen to your pals here, they understand and tell you what you want to hear.
You're too nice a person to feel so under the gun all the time.