"What will that look like?" What to expect and questions to ask if you are getting ready for an IEP

Yesterday I wrote about a blog post I stumbled upon stating that it was IEP or negotiating season. I was a bit put off by the post because of the way it described the IEP process as the school vs the parents. When either party, the school or the parents come into a meeting ready for a fight it usually isn't a very productive meeting.

 The IEP is a meeting about a child. And not just any child. A child who everyone at the table (or almost everyone) knows and cares about. The opinions on what to do in the best interest of the child may not be similar but in most occasions everyone at the table has a common agenda- doing what is best for the student.

BTW, IEPs do not only happen this time of year. They happen throughout the entire year (sometimes even in the summer). Many merely fall in the spring, but they do not have to. In fact, if you have an organized special ed team hopefully they have spread them out throughout the year.

If you ARE getting ready for "IEP Season" here's what you can expect:

• You should receive the proposed goals ahead of the meeting. If it is two days before the meeting and you haven't seen the goals yet ask the special ed teacher or the case manager for them.
• The goals you get ahead of time are proposed goals and are merely a draft. At the meeting you can suggest changes to them.
• When you get to the IEP meeting there should be a special education teacher, a general education teacher, and an administrator or an administrator's designee (this could be another special education teacher in the building, the guidance counselor, or someone the principals have asked to sit in for them.) Anyone else who serves your child- the ESOL teacher, the speech pathologist, the occupational therapist, etc will be there. If they are not you may be asked to sign a release saying that you give them permission to not attend.
• You can bring anyone you like with you to the meeting, but if they are not the child's other legal guardian (your spouse) you may be asked to sign a waiver before the meeting can begin.
• The meeting will start by everyone introducing themselves (even if you already know them) and stating why you are there. You will be asked to sign in. At this point you are not agreeing to anything, you are merely stating that you are in attendance.
• The meeting will start by going over the proposed goals. This is my favorite part of the meeting because as a team we get to really look at the child's strengths, identify areas for growth, and then discuss a goal for him to meet that will address these needs. These goals are for the next calendar year. When you're working with the special education teacher to develop the goal think about whether or not the goals are realistic to be met within a year. Are they too easy? Too hard? If your child meets the goals before the end of year the team can hold an IEP addendum to make changes and write a new goal. 
• There is a page on the IEP called the "PLOP" page. It is the "Present Levels of Performance" page, but is commonly referred to as PLOP. We can document anything and everything on this page. Anything you want documented on this page- your child's favorite color to your child's fears, strengths, medical concerns, etc. can be put on here. This is a great place to state any concerns you have with the current placement or proposed goals.
• The IEP will then cover how your child will be assessed through state testing and any accommodations or modifications your child can have. The team will read the legal definition of the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE) to you and then determine what the LRE for your child will be. This is a great time to ask questions. Will this be in a special ed classroom? A general education classroom? In the hallway with other students? We don't get offended when you ask questions. You should leave the meeting with a clear picture of what your child is doing during the day and where he/she will be served!
• IEP language can be overwhelming and technical. Don't assume anything and don't let us get away with using acronyms that you don't understand! Question us (you can questions us nicely, we like that), ask us to tell you what this IEP will look like on a day to day basis. 
• If you are bringing an outside therapist it would be wonderful to let us know ahead of time. We really value the 360 view of your child, but can sometimes be taken by surprised when a therapist shows up unannounced. The same goes for if you are suggesting a new therapy or idea. I've found that the school team is usually more open minded toward ideas when the IEP meeting isn't the first time they've heard the ideas. You are welcome to bring things up at the IEP meeting, but know that teachers and staff can feel suddenly defensive. When you set up the IEP meeting mention what your concerns are, what you'd like to talk about, and who you'd like to bring. It lets us know that we are all on the same side.
• Know that we really do love your kid. We wouldn't do this job if we didn't. An IEP is an excellent time to get a bunch of educators in a room to really dive deep into how to best meet the needs of your child. Take advantage of the resources in the room. Ask questions, provide input, relate what we're telling you about your child's school performance to what you see at home. Help provide us with a greater picture of your child.
• You should also know that you never need to sign the IEP that day. You can ask to take it home, think about it, and sign it the next day. Get it back to us in a timely manner, but there isn't any rush. 

The most important advice I can give is to remember this question, "What does that/will that look like?" Ask it frequently throughout the meeting. Ask it when the team is going over your child's strengths and needs. Ask it when they are telling you how they will take data. Ask them when they are explaining the service delivery options. This will paint a clearer picture for you of what is going on during the day.

I should add that nothing I have written here is the opinion of my school or my school district. It is all my personal opinion. Please take this as a simple picture of what you can expect at a meeting, but know that every school, school district, and state is different. Nothing I have written here is in any way binding of what you can expect at a meeting, nor I am saying that schools have to do things certain ways. I'm not a lawyer. Don't take my advice as legal advice. I'm sure there are other things I should say in this disclaimer, and perhaps I shouldn't post this at all, but I want parents to know what to expect and that they are a valued member of the team.

Negotiating Season? Not quite.

I was taking a break from IEP prep this evening by scrolling through my Flipbook feed when I ran across this blog from Parenting Magazine about the IEP "Negotiating" season. I've read it a few times now and I get more frustrated each time.
The blog author, Robert Rummel-Hudson, a father who is getting ready for his child's IEP warns other parents of what the process will be like. At first I thought he was writing to encourage parents to take an active role in their child's IEP and to understand that they are an essential part of the IEP team. This is great! I thought. I want more parents to understand their role and how important they are. I want the parents to have a voice.
Then I kept reading.
Rummel-Hudson is speaking from his own experience, which I sincerely hope readers take into account as they read. His experiences are not going to be indicative of IEP meetings everywhere. Each state, each county, each school is going to hold them a bit differently. The same legal guidelines are the same, but every county puts its own spin on it, and each school, each set of personalities and school cultures is going to change how the meetings go.
I fear that parents gearing up for their first IEP meetings are going to be frightened by Rummel-Hudson's post, or will feel that they need to come in ready for a fight. He writes,
As parents, we advocate for our kids receiving as much in the way of services as we can get, and we do so knowing that our success could very well mean fewer resources for other students. That sounds harsh, but we shouldn't worry too much about that, because the school's position is the opposite. Giving each student as little as they can in the way of individual resources means more for everyone. It's an awkward dance that shouldn't be about money and resources but absolutely is.

Um, no. We do not sit at the table thinking, "let's give each student as little as we can because that means more resources for everyone." We sit there and think about what will be best for each individual student. As teachers we are passionate about your child- we want your child to succeed and we want your child to make unbelievable gains. We also know that some things that look like they will be beneficial actually can be a determinate to your child's learning. Some services look great but will hinder your child's ability to scaffold his/her learning, transfer skills and be independent. And then there is the legal aspect that we are, in fact, held to. Schools are required to provide what is considered a "free and appropriate public education" (FAPE). Sadly appropriate doesn't always transfer to your child achieving their full potential. This "appropriate" piece stumps us too. It's not us, it's the law and the courts and how the word appropriate is determined. But many of us, if we think there is a way, will fight for you. 

I don't know Rummel-Hudson's situation and I am not a frequent reader of his blog so I may be missing important key points.

I'm not saying that parents shouldn't fight for their kids, but I'm worried that readers may get the wrong impression of IEP meetings from his post. It should never be a school vs the parents meeting. Tomorrow my post will be about what to expect in an IEP meeting.

Getting a Thank You

I got a quick note from a parent today noting how hard the class must have worked on their valentines and how much the family appreciated it.

I must have read it three times to fully comprehend it. It is so rare to get a thank you like that- for something specific that also acknowledges how much work must have gone into it.

It was the highlight of my day. It's amazing what one small thank you can do.

Genius vs Opportunity

The more I watch 18 month old daughter grow and advance with her language, spatial reasoning, and general understanding of the world around her, the angrier I get. If this is how quickly toddlers learn, then why did the think-tank have so many kindergartners coming to school so totally and utterly unprepared?

Before I had experienced being the mother of a toddler I had no idea how truly amazing early development is. I'd worked with toddlers, baby sat for toddlers, and had friends who were mothers of toddlers, but I hadn't witnessed for myself the true miracle of early learning. Instead I thought that perhaps my friends were just overly drilling their children with academic information, insufferably filling their poor children's heads with color flash cards or something of the sort. Or maybe my friends just all had genius children.

Now that I can watch my own daughter develop and know that I am not drilling her with flash cards, forcing her to rote count for the sake of counting, or making her use crayons to practice her fine motor at an early age, I am gaining a better understanding of how children develop. I don't think my daughter is a genius. I think she is an average child who happens to be in a home filled with books, toys that encourage interaction and imagination, and parents who talk to her.

So what about the five year olds children who enter the think-tank with nothing- unable to identify their own name, unable to differentiate between letters and numbers, not able to count to five, understand how to hold a book or how to even listen to a story? How does that happen?

I have met five year olds who have less academic skills than my daughter's two year old friends. Not because the five year olds didn't have the intelligence to learn, but because they hadn't had the opportunity.

Preschool is essential. There just isn't a debate. There is no excuse, none, for two year olds to know more than five year olds. It's not a matter of intelligence. It's not even a matter of English as a second language. It's a matter of opportunity and exposure. Regardless of whether or not we move towards a government sponsored preschool for all program, as a society we must look at how we can get our children who need the most into school environments  AND how we can work with their parents to understand what their child needs to develop successfully.

Parents need to be educated on how to talk to their child, how to read to their child, and what sort of games and toys to buy their child. If parents have never been given a model of how to interact with their toddler- never been told that it is important to read to their child- how would they know that they should?

I worked with a parent once who sent back all of the free books I'd been sending home. "We have so many books in our house," she said, "But my kids still don't know how to read so the books are worthless."
I don't think it had ever occurred to her that she could read the books to her children until they learned to read on their own.

I want to sit down and play with my daughter without getting angry. I wish I could enjoy her development without the sinking, heartbreaking realization that there are children out there who should be developing as quickly as she is and aren't.

Parenting and Children with Special Needs

I've been asked to give a talk at my church about children with special needs. Since I compose my thoughts best through writing I thought I'd plan for it by writing here.

This topic is incredibly broad. It's almost impossible to decide what to broach first. It's like asking, "talk about parenting" or "talk about all the different children and their parenting needs."

Children are children
The label "special needs" implies that some children are normal and some are not. There is a mental line we tend to draw between the two that easily sorts children for us. But let's be honest- no child is "normal". Every child has his or her own quirks, strengths, special skills, and areas of concern. My husband is constantly amazed/frustrated that child development isn't a clear science- how are children so different? How come ours didn't walk until 14 months and his niece walked at 12? And that kid we saw on the playground- he was walking at 11 months!

What's important to keep in mind is that our children, the children in our schools, our communities, our children first. When you think of the characteristics of your child you think of what makes them laugh, their smile, what makes them cry, when they need a hug, what their favorite toys are, or what they need to fall asleep at night. Whether or not they are a child with a disability doesn't change those characteristics. Children are still children, with or without a label. Sometimes we make the mistake of seeing the disability and not the child.

Whenever I read the Holland story I find myself tearing up because I've watched so many parents go through this journey. I can't begin to comprehend it myself, and I get the benefit of knowing the child first in the immediate moment. I get to know the amazing child where they are at this particular moment in time. Not being their parent I don't experience a loss of a dream, I just get to focus on the child's current strengths and needs.

Parenting in public
One of the aspects I think must be the most difficult in parenting a child with special needs is the outside world. Even with a typically developing child I experience the judgement of other parents. Why do we do that to each other? Little Lipstick melted down in the grocery store a few months ago and not one but two people, complete strangers, told me she was spoiled. They didn't know she'd skipped her afternoon nap, had been sick, and was at the end of a very long day. I felt awful. I never wanted to go into public again. I was torn between wanting to stick my daughter in a corner and let her cry to prove to strangers that she wasn't spoiled, or to cuddle her and tell the strangers to go stick it. That was once and it still bothers me.

Children with disabilities have an even more difficult time in public. Grocery stores are overwhelming places. There is noise, signs designed to get your attention, strangers, people not observing personal space, food you aren't allowed to eat, and distracted parents. Even for children with learning disabilities grocery stores are demanding. Trying to navigate the strange place, read faces, compensate for difficulties in remembering what your mother just told you- it can be too much. Meltdowns too easily lead to judgement and I've worked with many parents who feel trapped in their own homes, scared to go out because of what others may say.

The public is a harsh world. I've heard of people making business cards so that when people judge their child's tantrums they can hand them a card that says "This is Johnny. He has autism". We as people must be nicer to one another. Withhold our judgement of the parents in the grocery store- we never know the true story behind each parent's struggle.

We also must be careful to never blame the parent for the disability. A child doesn't have an intellectual disability because the parents didn't teach her the letters. A child isn't autistic because the mother didn't provide the right structure and love in the house.


Accepting the disability:
When I worked in kindergarten special ed I was a part of a team who would tell parents for the first time that there were concerns about their child's development. It is awful to sit down and broach these concerns with a family, particularly when the family has no idea- it is the oldest child, they are not around other children very often, and they do not see their child's characteristics as different.

Accepting the disability can be difficult. I've watched many parents struggle with it. They worry that the label will mean that the school will write off the child, that people will have low expectations, that giving the child the label will give them the disability. They worry that the school or doctors doesn't know the child like they do- that the school is seeing something that isn't really there.

These are legitimate concerns. They can't be overlooked. I have seen children wrongly identified by a school who was too quick to push the paperwork through. But I've also seen children struggle without help because the parents were not ready to accept the label. It's always heart breaking to see a child who could be so much farther along than they are because they didn't get the help they needed early on.

It's important to remember that the label doesn't change who the child is. The same child who goes to bed the night after you sign the paperwork is the same child who woke up that morning. The child himself doesn't change. The services that are offered to the child change, but nothing should change the relationship the parent has with the child, who the child is, and what the parent's goals are for that child.

In many school systems the label can give your child what your child needs to be successful. It gives your child additional attention, additional resources, access to physical therapists, occupational therapists, additional technology, additional legal rights, additional data collection and monitoring than the typical child.  These are not bad things.

The important thing to remember with the school system is that you don't have to sign anything the day of the meeting. You can think about, take a copy of the paperwork home. You can bring your own support systems to the meeting so that it doesn't feel like you against the school. (And it shouldn't ever feel that way). You are a part of the IEP team, the most important part in  many ways, and you have a voice at the table. There is a page on the IEP where your concerns can be voiced. Anything you want can be added there.

It's a topic I could talk forever about, but the broadness of the topic almost has me at a loss for words- where to begin, and when to finish. There is so much to say. Yet the most important thing to remember is that children are children. The children in our community are our children. We must treat them like we do all children, including them as we would other children, considering their preferences and needs while still maintaining the expectation that they are a part of our community, and withholding judgement from parents.

Helicoptering the helicoptered

Over Thanksgiving break Mr. Lipstick shared some management articles and blog posts he's read recently about the problem with the Millennials in the job market. I'm paraphrasing and I didn't read the post myself, but our conversation mainly centered around the difficulty bosses are having across the country as the millennials- the first results of the helicopter parents- enter the workforce. Managers are having trouble motivating their youngest hires and instilling in the work ethic they are accustomed to seeing in the work place. 

I've read and heard articles myself about companies who are reaching out to helicopter parents in order to work with their newest workforce. I believe it is Enterprise who has bring-your-parent to work days. Other companies are becoming accustomed to parents attending interviews or chatting with HR about salary. (I wish I could find that article- this is all coming from my memory)

So what happens now that the Millennials- the products of the helicopter parents- are becoming teachers? How will they react to the helicopter parents who have high expectations of their child's teacher? How will they handle the mismatch in the teaching pay vs the workload? Or will the true products of helicopter parents not become teachers? It doesn't seem like a job that would lend itself to someone who is used to having their parent defend them in tough situations.

Will Millennials force a change in teacher work-ethic expectations, or will they create an even further gap between parents and teachers? Or will they understand where the helicopter parents are coming from and find ways to work with them as opposed to locking them out? 

Promises to Parents

After my series of Saturday home visits this fall I've been struck by the former school experiences of all my families. They have so much to tell me- so many disappointments or frustrations, so many times they've been disillusioned by our school system.

In order to be in our program for students with Intellectual Disabilities the IEP team must decide that the least restrictive environment is a different program that the neighborhood school can provide. It's not a decision that should be taken lightly by any team, and one that many times is come to after the neighborhood school and the student have proven to not be a good match.

The stories are heartbreaking from a parent perspective. In many of them the school did nothing wrong, but the situations were still not ideal. I cannot imagine how it must feel as a parent to hear that your neighborhood school- the one you watch all the other kids in your neighborhood come and go from happily- is unable to meet your child's needs. Stories of teachers admitting they don't have the answers- of frustrated parents wondering what's happening when they are not around- of students trying to fit into a situation where they do not feel comfortable.

Most of these are situations where no one did anything wrong. No one is at fault. It's not lazy teachers or bad administrators or overly demanding parents. The situations just are what they are. Families try the neighborhood schools first. It's how IDEA, the federal special education law is written- the least restrictive environment should always be in place, and many times in order to determine that environment a student has to try being at their neighborhood school in the general education population first.

My heart breaks for these parents and their stories. It's also terrifying as a teacher. I want to give my families the most positive school experience possible. I want them to have that happy, confident child who comes off the bus bursting with achievements to share and stories to tell. I want to communicate all their children's strengths while also being completely honest about their growth areas. 

Balance?

One work day left until the first day of school and I'm trying not to panic. Since this is my first opening of the school year when I am a parent I feel like I'm a first year teacher again learning to balance it all. In the past I lived and breathed school for the first few weeks. I stayed late at work, got to work early, and when I was at home I frantically did paper and prep work.

Those options are out and I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done. I don't understand how it's possible to do this job working limited hours. I'm feeling disorganized and panicked- jobs are half-done, my to-do list grows longer by the minute and I keep thinking of all the things I've forgotten to do.

I met with parents today and listened to them talk about their babies and everything they want for them this school year. Their eyes teared up as they talked about what they were worried about, what they were excited about, and what they wanted for their children this school year. I listened to them and felt a sense of panic- can I give you want your child deserves while giving my own child what she needs? Is there time in the day to allow for that? 

How I feel. 

I honestly have no idea. I'm ridiculously excited about the school year but am equally nervous and frustrated in my need to sleep. 

Parent's Hopes and Dreams

In the beginning of the year many of us ask our students to write their hopes and dreams for the coming school year. A part of the Responsive Classroom philosophy, Hopes and Dreams is a powerful tool for connecting with students and beginning a discussion on what rules a classroom needs in place if they want to accomplish their hopes and dreams.

We can't forget that our students' parents have hopes and dreams for them as well. This is the perfect time of year to ask parents what they want their children to learn by the end of the year, where they want their child to go with what they learn this year, and what they dream about long-term for their child.

A few years ago I worked with our awesome parent-liaison to put on a meeting for kindergarten parents. We gave the parents sticky notes and asked them to tell us what their hopes and dreams were for their child. The results were amazing and provided an excellent reminder that we are all hoping and dreaming for the same results with our children. It was a perfect way to open a conversation about how we need to form a team between the parents and the teachers in order to help our children achieve these dreams.

Pictures to Parents

Almost everyday since I've been back at work my daycare provider I've checked my email to find a picture of my daughter from my daycare provider. She's busy working, laughing, or seriously looking at something- something showing me a quick look into the day. They aren't the best pictures (it's hard to catch a girl on the go) but I can't tell you how much I LOVE them.

Every time I see them I make a mental note to do that for the parents I work with as well. They don't have to be perfect pictures, but I need to take the time to show parents what's going on in our room and what their kids are doing. I love these snapshots into my child's day.

Mind in the Making

I'm taking advantage of Baby Lipstick's naps this summer to read Mind in the Making by Ellen Galinsky. I'd heard that it was being pushed for administrators in our district and I wanted to see why. I started it earlier this week and have so far found that it's a surprisingly quick read considering the amount of research Galinsky uses to support her arguments. Although I started reading it as an educator it didn't take me long to feel like I was getting more out of it as a parent than I was as a teacher, not to say that I didn't appreciate it from an educator standpoint- it's just I have a bit of a different focus these days.

Galinsky lists "seven essential skills every child needs to know" and supports each one of these skills with research while sprinkling in some neuroscience and brain development. The skills include focus and self control, perspective taking, communicating, making connections, critical thinking, taking on challenges, and self-directed, engaged learning.

In the beginning I couldn't help but feel that I'd read the book before. Everything she writes about focus, self-control, perspective taking and communicating rings true with other research I've read. It fits in well with the Responsive Classroom philosophy and is also supported by the Patterns of Thinking method. Much of it was good to review as an educator and serves as an excellent reminder of those early skills that are so essential for building a secure foundation for learning.

So much of what she writes focuses on the early years and the skills that are developed at home. In some ways it is frustrating as an educator to read about what could be going on at home to lay the foundation for those basic kindergarten skills. So many of the homes that feed into the think-tank are not participating in those activities. Reading once again about the importance of children being read to at an early age, the importance of self-control and how it can be taught, the importance of being talked to throughout the day can be teeth grinding. Yeah, we know those things are important for our youngest ones, but if it doesn't happen then what do we do?

Once the frustration of having to read about how much good can be done in the younger years washed over me, the book served as an excellent reminder of the importance of these skills and why we need to embed them into our kindergarten curriculum. We can't just "drill and kill" the alphabet and the numbers as we desperately try to get our kids to pass the end of year kindergarten assessments- we also need to be filling in the cognitive gaps that are essential for our children in order for them to be successful later in life.

My biggest frustration with the book is that when she discusses research she'll use the term "child" or 'infant" without explicitly stating the ages. It can be difficult to keep up with whether or not she's talking about a three month infant or a nine month infant, a five year old or a twelve year old.

Other than that I highly recommend the book. I've found it to be one of the easier-to-read research-based books I've read and I've come away with a lot to think about as well as explicit activities that will support these essential skills both as a mother and a teacher.

More specific posts are coming... lots of thoughts floating around...

Parent Involvement- What's your advice?

So now that I've written about all the practices I know to do in order to reach out to parents, I've got a long list of questions I'm utterly stuck on when it comes to parent relations.

A few years ago we worked with a parent who wanted worksheets. Nothing we could do or say would convince this parent that worksheets were not the way to go. Despite the data we'd collected and being able to show that everything we were doing was considered best practice and research based- this parent wanted worksheets.

It got ugly.

We weren't going to change our instruction to meet this parent's request, not when the child was benefiting from our instruction, as was the rest of the class. (If the child had not been making progress it would have been a different story- we gladly would have tried something new if we felt it would be in the best interest of the child). We tried to explain to the parent why we did what we did, we brought in resources, experts from our building, and spent hours going over exactly what our reasoning was. Nothing worked. Worksheets were all the parent wanted, for what appeared to be no justifiable reason. When asked why worksheets were requested we were given the "it worked for me" answer.

As we declined to put worksheets in place of centers the relationship deteriorated. Suddenly everything we did was awful. Every action we made was met with a phone call and a complaint. None of our normal parent relationship-building practices worked. At  some point we'd stepped over the line of no return and we seemed to be destined to continue the year in a permanent state of conflict. Complaints were registered above us. We documented every step we took, every moment in the classroom being backed up and defended in case the parent came after us. Although everything we were doing was supported by best practice and research, we still needed to be able to prove what we were doing was right when asked by those above us.

It wasn't fun.

In fact, it was the opposite of fun. We got through it, but instead of spending time and energy to improve our practice we spent a lot of time on paperwork and in meetings. While we could have been teaching there were substitutes in the room so we could sit in meetings. Ironically, sometimes we'd leave worksheets with the substitute. And as expected when you give kinders worksheets, it didn't go well.

What should we have done differently? Should we have given some worksheets just to make the parent happy? Or would that have become a slippery slope of giving in to whatever the parent wanted, despite what we know is best for kids?

How do we de-escalate parents so we can have meaningful and productive conversations about children?

A parent once shared with me that she felt it was her duty as a parent to be "on" the school at all times. It's what her mother did for her. She didn't feel that she was being a good parent if she just trusted what the school said- arguing with us at every step of the way was part of her parental duties.

I wonder how many parents feel that way. Especially parents who come from a cultural background that inherently do not trust public schools (for what are probably justifiable reasons).

How do we rebuild that trust? How do we work with parents who want to advocate for their children and "on" the school at all times, while managing to maintain a productive parent-teacher relationship that best meets the needs of the child?

What do your schools do to work with parents? How do you help parents understand that what you are doing is best for their child? How do you create a team mindset between parents and the school instead of a contentious one? I would love to hear what other schools and teachers do to create and maintain productive relationships.

Parent Involvement- Getting parents in the door

Parents who come from all over the world bring a different sort of expectation and understanding of how schools work. For some, culturally they are not accustomed to being invited into school and feel that discussions with the teacher would come across as accusatory or insulting- as though they were questioning the teacher's ability to perform the job. Others truly don't have a cultural background for understanding that it is a team effort- in their countries the teacher is responsible for all learning- so they do not understand that we want them to read and do homework with their child. They are not against this concept, we just need to communicate our expectations. Some parents see school are scary places they are completely unfamiliar with since they never went to school themselves in this country. For others we are fighting years and years of schools being seen as untrustworthy and 'the enemy'. Somehow we have to form a team with each and every one of these parents.

I've found that one of the best ways to start forming this team (other than home visits) is to get parents into the classroom to see their children in action. When I was a classroom teacher I held our largest writing celebration of the year right at the end of the first month of school. We published our books, baked cupcakes, made invitations, put out table cloths and fresh flowers and fancied everything up. Not only did it set the tone for writing workshop for the rest of the year (writing is IMPORTANT and we are WRITERS) but it brought parents into the classroom to see us hard at work early on. When parents come into school to see their children perform, whether reading, writing, or in a play, they usually are more comfortable than when they are coming into school for conferences. Their reason behind coming into the school is different- they are less likely to feel stressed because they do not speak English. Everyone gets an opportunity to gaze at the children and their hard work without having to worry about difficult conversations.

The Think-Tank has a dance night every year. The PE and Music teachers put on an amazing show. We all meet over at the high school's gym on a Friday night to watch all the grade levels perform the dances they've been working on in PE and Music for the past month. It's amazing and one of my favorite nights ever, but what I've noticed after years of attending is that parents who never, ever come to school for anything else will come to dance night. Parents who never show up to conferences, who do not return written notes or phone calls, who put their child on the bus and never enter the door of our school- they come to dance night. It's the best possible night to make contact with parents.

Another thing I've noticed over the years is that parents from other countries are more likely to come to events if they can bring food. I think it's from feeling as though they otherwise have nothing to offer. They can't even communicate in English with their child's teacher and so coming in the door to the school is like a reminder of what they can't do (in their minds, not in ours). But when they are asked to bring food from their country they often flock through the doors in droves. Food from their country is something they can finally offer us. It is something they are good at, something they specialize in, and something we are not experts in.

Another aspect of parent behavior I've noticed is that they are more likely to come to whole-school events. Many of the parents I've worked with do not have transportation, but if it is a whole school event and they can catch a ride with their neighbor they will come to see their child in action. It feels safer to go anywhere with a friend, particularly if you do not speak the language or are in a new situation. The Think-Tank had a school-wide writing celebration every year. Because it was school-wide the parents came in droves- they could walk over together, carpool, and chat to each other in their native languages about what was going on, where to go, and how it went. It felt safer.

Once we get parents in the doors- through putting their children on stage, in writing celebrations, dances, or class picnics, we can start to form those relationships that will open the door for further collaboration.

Parent Involvement- Showing your love

As a child I remember my mother coming home from my brothers' parent conferences. (Since my brothers are five years younger than I am her experiences at their conferences stuck with me for longer than whatever happened at my conferences. I don't think anyone ever told me the difference between 'sister' and 'mother' and I really felt like I was responsible for them as well) She was usually glowing and always shared with us how much my brothers' teachers loved them. She would almost always have some small story to share that the teacher had told her- something one of them had done or said or read that my mom didn't know before.

My mother and brothers' pride and happiness from these conversations has stuck with me. My mom left the meetings knowing the teachers loved my brothers and when she shared these stories and comments with my brothers they were reminded that their teachers loved them. I try to send the same message when working with parents. I want to share stories with them about their children that convey how much I love and know their children, and also give the parents a window into their child's day when they are away from home.

One of the best ways I've found to do this is to share a picture with parents of their child happily engaged in a school activity. I find this extremely valuable for numerous reasons. It is just great to be able to give the parent a picture of the child, particularily when the child is happy in school. Now that I'm a parent I appreciate this even more- I love when my daycare providers share snapshots with me. I get to see my child happy and comfortable when I'm away. 


Photographs also serve as a reminder to the entire team that we are talking about a child. When IEPs get tense it's important for everyone- the parents and the school team- to remember that the reason we are having the conversation is because everyone at the table wants what is best for the child. It helps keep it from getting personal. Nobody in the room is there to get their way just to prove themselves right- everyone is (or should be) there for the child. 

If you're really on top of it you can have a picture of the child and the parent together at one of your activities- the happy family on a field trip, sharing cupcakes over a writing celebration, reading books together. Many of the parents I work with don't have many pictures of their children. While camera phones are becoming more and more popular, many parents don't have the resources to print out hard copies.

I don't avoid hard topics with parents and I don't shy away from addressing a child's significant needs. That wouldn't be fair to the child. But regardless of what serious issues we need to talk about I try to stress how much I truly enjoy the child. If the parents and I can look at the situation from a shared perspective of "this kid is great, now let's look at how to best serve the child's needs" we usually have more productive discussions.

Parent Involvement- Meeting parents where they are

From my experience the best way I've found to reach out to resistant parents is to meet them where they are. Appreciating the fear and anxiety that coming to school can cause for parents I've seen that home visits, coming to their children's birthday parties, running into them at kiss-and-ride and talking to them about things other than their children's progress can begin to build a relationship you can build on.


When I was a first grade classroom teacher I had a child whose mother hated me. She hated all teachers and I'd heard stories about how she abused the kindergarten teacher. When her child was in my room she refused to call me by my name, but instead by the kinder teacher's name (who she'd refused to call by the correct name when she was in the class). Then one day I ran into her in the grocery store. It wasn't anywhere near my school- it was near my house where I never saw parents. I was buying beer. Not just a little bit, but a big case of beer. As I got into line with my arms filled with the massive case I saw her and wanted to run. 'She can't see me like this!' I immediately thought. But before I could hide she saw me and immediately got the biggest smile on her face. She rushed over to me and greeted me with kisses on both cheeks. She didn't speak English so we couldn't have a conversation, but the next day she wrote me a note in Spanish that was addressed to me- with my real name. Seeing that I was human changed her perception of me. After that we had a great relationship, and the following year she didn't abuse the second grade teacher. 


Clearly no book or any seasoned teacher would recommend buying beer with a parent, and it wasn't a situation that could be planned. But it was a great reminder that some parents need to be reminded that we are human. 


Many times it is little things that make a difference. I usually like to look professional for my meetings with parents, particularly for IEP meetings. I have suit jackets and nice skirts. I want to send the message that I take their child's education very seriously. But I've learned that with some parents it's too much. It can send the message that I'm on a high platform and can't relate to their needs. With one parent my relationship totally changed once I started wearing jeans to our meetings. 


Home visits allow you to literally meet parents where they are, and can make all the difference. Of course there are families that would rather not have you visit, and it's important to respect and understand that as well. Home visits are time consuming but pay out for the rest of the year. Many times you get a much greater sense of the family dynamics and where the entire family is coming from. It opens the door to relating with parents at a whole new level.

One of my favorite ways to connect with parents is through birthday parties. Not many of the children I teach have birthday parties where they invite their friends, but I make it a rule to always go to them if I am available and am invited. I had one parent who avoided me like the plague, and would suddenly have bad phone reception whenever she happened to pick up and I was on the other end. I went to her child's birthday and as we talked about the craft projects she had around the house she slowly melted. When I left she followed me out onto the sidewalk and yelled across the parking lot that she wanted to come in and meet with me.


Some parents are intimidated by schools, particularly if they are not originally from America. Parents who cannot read in their native language are going to be even more hesitant to come in and meet with us, even when we offer a translator. Some parents might not have been able to go to school themselves in their native countries for various reasons. I know many of the parents I've worked with who are from El Salvador were kept from school because of their civil war. Unsure of how to act in a school and having no background experience to pull from, these parents avoid school. It's our job to help them feel comfortable and open the path for encouraging school participation. 


We have to break down the nervousness and intimidation the parents feel toward school and the system. We need to send the message that we want them to be a part of their children's school experience, and that we are not judging them. And sometimes we have to be creative in order to do that. 

Parent Involvement- Resources

On my post about the increase in poverty in children, Molly asked for resources on working with parents. She said,

"my goal this year is to improve my relationships with parents. do you have any good resources to recommend? I notice several parents that avoid coming to school and seem so uncomfortable when they do. Or I also have a parent who, when I can finally get her to sit down with me, talks a "big talk," but nothing ever happens. And then there are the parents who would like to know more details about what we're doing in the classroom"


I'm going to try to do a series of posts on working with parents (a series because with Baby Lipstick I find myself writing half-posts and then getting side-tracked and never finishing...) Please chime in and share your own experiences and recommendations.


As far as resources here's a list of ones I've used in the past:


Ruby Payne's Working With Parents -  Payne can be controversial but I've always appreciated her insights. She makes me think, which I appreciate.


Working with Challenging Parents - This one is specific for special education, but the recommendations hold true for interacting with parents in general. It was one of my text books in a special education class.


Parents and Teachers Working Together -  This is a book from Responsive Classroom and has great ideas for getting parents involved. 


What other resources do you use? What do you recommend? Please share!