Thursday, June 7, 2007

give me one more month

8 more days. 1 is our picnic. 1 we get out at 12:20. 1 we get out at 10:30. we're done. the year is over.
I'm not ready to let go!!

In the beginning of the year, when I started to realize that this might be a hard year, I decided I would use it to make myself a better teacher. I read every book I could get my hands on, researched issues that affected my kids, consulted every person in the building, and stalked the guidance couselor (who is my hero) for advice. My mantra became: this year will make me stronger. (subtitled, therefore I will not drown my sorrows with alcohol)

I'm not satisfied yet. I don't feel like I'm there yet. The kids are fine academically, ready for second grade. It's not that. I'm just... I thought by the end of the year we'd be a team like I've had in the past. I thought if I did everything right, followed professional research, tried and true advice, and worked really hard that by June we'd be set.

we're not set.

I realize I'm making it about me and not the kids. I'm not satisfied yet so I'm not ready to let them go. One girl lay on the ground during field day and refused to participate because "today I am a puppy. bark, bark". I had hoped by the end of the year that would be over. I'd have given her the vision and inspired her to come to school ready to learn. Right now I have to settle for her coming to school (something that has improved since august).

I can't help but feel like I failed. Maybe not the kids, but myself. I could have made more of this opportunity. I could have read another book. Kept kids during lunch. Tried something else. I don't know how to let this year go. Even now I'm frantically teaching social skills and routines. it is june and i'm teaching routines. I need to let go. watch them go off to second grade and be proud of what they did in first grade.

why is it so hard to divide my own success from theirs?


Jenny said...

My grandfather has always told me that we want/need 10% more money and more time than we have. One more kidding. Maybe in future years this blog will help you through these feelings. You'll be able to look back at August, September, even January and see the amazing progress that has been made.

Petersrole said...

Well...I'm ok with them being let go. You've done a lot.