There are days when I come home feeling thankful and lucky that I have such an amazing job that I love so much. Then there are the days when I come home feeling overwhelmed, tired, and exhausted. Not that I don't love my job on these days as well, but some days it feels more like a futile exercise in trying desperately to keep my head above water in the face of a hurricane. Today was one of those days.
It's not that anything went wrong, or that anything is overly out of the ordinary- it's just that so much is going on. Every one of my children has intense needs and essentially needs a different curriculum than everyone else- it's why they are in my class- and what I LOVE about my job- I truly enjoy planning and creating different activities and different teaching methods for each student. But right now I know I could be doing a better job of it, and I'm living with the frustration that it's not happening as well as I would like. My to-do list seems to be running out the door and even if I do get to everything on it I am not doing it as well as I would like. That overwhelming, creeping feeling of panic is seeping in- a feeling that I'm failing the kids, my coworkers, my IAs, my school, the parents, myself. It's like walking on a tight rope and feeling it suddenly start to shake- the sudden realization that you are about to lose your balance and fall all the while trying desperately to do everything in your power to keep your feet on the rope because falling is not an option.
My kids need fast paced instruction or I lose them- but lately I feel like I've been moving inside jello- my brain isn't responding to the environment as quickly as I would like. Reading lessons are taking too long and one moment of hesitation lets the children find an interesting spot on the floor that they'd like to investigate.
The paper work is piling up, the list of people to get back to, needs to meet, teachers to confer with, interpreters to line up, people to call.
I love my job but I love it more when I feel successful. But we can do hard things. Big sigh.