Wednesday, October 1, 2008

unknown frustrations and personal journeys

today i had a meeting that i can't get out of my head. i can't put my finger on what i feel went wrong, or why i'm frustrated, but something just isn't sitting well.
i think the greatest problem is that the meeting was for a little one who isn't on my caseload. she happens to be in the general education where i work, and i've been spending quite a bit of time working with her lately even though she's not officially "mine". she's the one whose sent me into researching reactive attachment disorder (and thank you so much for all of your recommendations and comments on rad. i've taken what you've said to heart and did more research based on your thoughts). we've all been wracking our brains and digging up every resource possible to decide find ways to help her. she's consumed a lot of my brain power recently.
i heard somewhere that it's recommended in the business field that you should never go into a meeting where you don't know what you want the outcome to be. perhaps that was the problem today. i wasn't sure where i wanted it to go, other than the meeting was suppose to be a stepping stone. and i think, in the long run, that's what was accomplished.
but at the meeting i began to realize that i'd done a lot of work i hadn't needed to do. she's not on my case load. it's not my job to do the research and come up with a diagnosis. i'm trying to be the doctor when i've only been hired to be the nurse.
and so, once again i've made it about me. in the long run today's meeting most likely helped our little one, which is what matters. i've just got to check my professional ego at the door. if i go to a meeting and don't get to say everything i intended to say, or make every point i felt was important, it is ok if the outcome is still the same. so why do i feel uneasy about the whole thing?
and i need to examine, what is really my role in all this? what have i been making my role into, and what is it meant to be?
one of my biggest pet peeves is when people complain and say, 'that isn't my job!' in a school, especially a school like mine, i see everyone working together. we help each other out, and if we're able give assistance, we do it. but today i felt like i would have felt better if i was one of the "i only do my job" people. kind of a 'coloring inside the lines' attitude. i've been coloring wildly outside the lines, and exerting a lot of energy that i didn't necessarily need to exert. and now i'm frustrated that the unneeded energy isn't amounting to anything. when it wasn't my job in the first place.

but i'm not sure i'm the type of person that can step back and stay inside the lines. i don't think i just want to be the nurse, i want to be the doctor. which makes me realize that i might not be settled in my career. i've been thinking a lot about getting my phd once my masters is complete. would having a phd give me the information and the authority to be the doctor in cases like these? or would it just give me more information that wouldn't necessarily end up benefiting anyone but my own curiosity? i wanted to do special education because i wanted to really work with specific children helping them to meet specific needs instead of working on the more broad curriculum. but maybe what i'm looking for in a career isn't in special education. did i just go into teaching because it seemed easier than going into psychology?

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