Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Change is good?

After a month at home cuddling with mommy my little one is not pleased to be back at daycare. Parting every morning is like something out of a disaster movie where the mother and child are being wrenched apart by an earth quake. Her fingers dig into my arm as though if she lets go she'll never see me again, her arms tighten around mine in order to fight the jaws of life that are coming to seperate us and she screams and cries as though she is working on winning an Emmy. I kiss her and leave, acting like this is all OK and that I'm perfectly fine but inside I am DYING. I get in my car and pull away, waving to her from the Hello, Goodbye Window my daycare provider has in place (which I love). By the time I'm in my car she's usually fine but that's when I start to cry.

This working-mom thing is rough.

In retrospect, July was a story-book month. Little Lipstick and I waking up on our own time, reading books before breakfast, taking walks, cuddling, chasing (or terrorizing) the cat, and playing with balls. In reality though, I was not a good stay at home mom. I love my daughter to pieces, but God bless all you stay at home mommies.  It is HARD work. You never feel accomplished because you are at home all day everyday and at home there is always something more you could do. Then, God forbid, you check Pinterest and see what all the other fabulous mommies/homemakers are doing to make their houses amazingly organized and you just want to jump off a bridge.

On one particular day I met Mr. Lipstick at the door, handed him the baby and just left. I went to Target with no purpose, bought a lot of things I absolutely did not need, just trying to soak in the air of baby-freedom around me.

So I know, I know, I am not meant to be a stay at home mom. That doesn't make the drop off any easier. In fact, maybe it makes it worse because I am CHOOSING to say goodbye to my child this way everyday. I am doing this to her- I am the cause of the screams. I feel like a terrible human being.

It's particularily rough right now because I'm starting a new school. Kids won't come for two and ahalf more weeks, I still don't know exactly what my role is and I'm working with amazing people I just don't know very well. They are great, but I worked with my friends at the think-tank longer than I was with my college friends. It's hard to transition from family.

It looks like I won't have my own classroom this year. I'll be doing inclusion, which I've done before and love. It's good for the kids and it's good for the special ed team. It's just
disapointing to discover I won't be doing what I thought I'd be doing. Last year was absolute magic. Leaving Baby Lipstick everyday was OK when I was going to teach Rock Star, Magical, Brown Bear and the rest of our awesome team.

I'm sitting in an empty room that hasn't yet been chrisened with kids. I don't know what grades I'll be working with, what kids I'll be in love with, and what teachers I'll be collaborating with. Instead I can only think of the finger nails digging into my arm and the tears running down my little one's cheeks.

It will be OK. Students will get here, I'll get to know my colleagues, I'll find my place, and the drop offs will get easier. My day care provider has been amazing at emailing me happy pictures of my daughter everyday so I know it doesn't take long in the morning for her to get happy.

Deep breath. Change is good. Hard but good.


Anonymous said...

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. Even at a new school you can have the same motto. Love to ya! Counselor Friend

organized chaos said...

Thanks Counselor Friend! You're right- we can do hard things!! Thanks for the reminder :)