Homeschooling, Cooking, and Common Language

 It is Oakes Day - or rather - the day before the Kentucky Derby. While we do not live in Kentucky, over the years my family has found this is a great opportunity to get dressed up and bring people together for a party. And to force kids to run around in circles on stick horses. 

Party prep day means cooking, so our homeschooling for today translated into work in the kitchen. After nearly a year of learning first grade and third grade math together I found myself automatically aligning our cooking with fractions and measurement. Although I've always done this, now it feels more meaningful. I know exactly how the questions were posed in the math curriculum we used and know who struggled with which aspect of fractions. I watched for the moment the eyes lit up when the first grader put together exactly how many 1/2 cups we needed to use for two cups of flour because the cup measurer was already dirty. 

Throughout this busy afternoon in the kitchen I found myself thinking how much I have enjoyed our homeschooling year. How far we have all come. And how much I will miss it if we decide to go back to regular school in the fall.

Before COVID I joked about homeschooling but never really put much thought behind it. I worked with many children who are homeschooled and I saw the benefits, but also appreciated the structure of public school for our family. Now that we've tried it... I can't decide whether we will keep going or return. There are so many aspects I absolutely love about it.

Regardless of our decision, I realized in the kitchen today that this year of homeschooling has given us a common language around learning we would not have otherwise had. We can slip between chatting about what movie to watch on Friday and comparing fractions or adding time without skipping a beat. We analyze poems, recognize metaphors during podcasts, and keep lists of what we want to learn about next.

In the classroom, developing a common language as a classroom community was always important to me. In my first grade classroom we often spent time on discussions around how to be a problem solver to develop language we could use throughout the year in all areas of our day - from math problems to social emotional learning. In the classroom, everything I did felt more intentional. Yet I realize as we analyzed the fraction bar on the back of the butter stick that what we've developed from this year is a common language as a family as well. In fact, my first grader even refers to us as "Team Lipstick" almost daily as we dive into problem solving opportunities.

Don't get me wrong. Homeschooling has not been easy. I have new strands of glittering grey hairs and my girls comment on my wrinkles that somehow increased during the last year. This morning one of my lovely children handed me a "two page" story. Two pages being the small paper pages she created - not using the 8 1/2 by 11 standard. 

The negative Impact of teacher language

"I know you all are old enough to know better!"

"Do as I say 'cause I know you all can!"

"Do I need to take all these books home with me? I can't even get through one page without you interrupting. Look at this ridiculousness."

"Don't touch my things!"

My heart is breaking. This isn't what I heard adults say to children - this is what my daughter is yelling at her stuffed animals while playing school. This is apparently what she's being exposed to.

"You guys want to disrespect on your first day of fun stuff?"

"Like yesterday was a good example, but now you guys are just yelling and things like that. You all are like animals."

It just keeps going. Those stuffed animals are clearly having a tough time in school.

"You guys should know what to do."

"You guys know better." 

"I'm going to give you the special treat after, but only if you are good."

"Monk-monk, I don't want to hear a word from you."

"Whose book is this? Just left over here? Well, bye-bye your book honey! I guess you don't want it anymore you just leave it around."

So many of these phrases are ones that I hate hearing teachers use. They go against Ross Green's statement of belief, "Kids do well if they can."

And they aren't effective. These statements don't change behavior. They just make grown ups feel like they are in control of the situation, and remind the grown up that they are bigger than the child.

Last week my daughter came downstairs sobbing in the middle of the night. She shook her finger at me and shouted, "YOU ARE TEACHING ME BAD HABITS! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" The next morning, she wouldn't talk to me about it, and wouldn't share where she got that idea from. But I suspect it was either said directly to her, or she overheard it from a teacher.

Comments like that - even something as simple as "In your house you may put your feet on the table, but here we use manners!" serve to build a wall between home and school. They send the message to the child that whatever is going on at home is wrong, and only school is correct. For many families - this is also a culture divide, where a white teacher is telling a child of another race that their culture is wrong. That's clearly not the case here, but the judgement I feel from the school is all the same.

It was a rough PANDAS day. At the end of the day my oldest put her head on my shoulder and said, "I wish there was no such thing as PANDAS."

Me too, my love. Me too.

Monitoring my own teacher language

"Carpet Time!" one of my friends cheered from across the room. "Carpet time!" She waited until one of my friends came to the carpet.

"Sit!" she said loudly and cheerfully again. "Good! That's sitting!"

I sighed. "Whose the teacher?" I asked giving her that 'I mean business' teacher look. 

"Ugggghhhh! YOU are." she admitted with frustration and sat herself on the rug right beside the friend she'd been coaching to the carpet.

The thing is, she pretty much mimicked everything we'd say to the friend to bring him to the carpet. The two behavioral coaches I've worked with over the years have recommended using simple language and making it BIG- excited and animated to command attention. So that's what we've been doing. It's one thing coming from a teacher, it is quite another coming from another student.

The thing is they are ALL copying our language. Until I caught them talking to each other in 'teacher-speak' I didn't even realize how much we are adapting our language for each individual child- and apparently do this all day long- or enough that they've picked up our methods.

One friend benefits from having "this is the direction" stated before I give her a direction, or "this is the question" before the question. Another is given non-verbal warnings of her behavior- simply holding up one or two fingers to indicate where she is on the 1, 2, 3 Magic scale. Another benefits from the loud simple directions, while yet another is frequently joked with and given friendly teasing to encourage participation.

And they copy this for each other. In talking with each other I hear, "This is the question- do you want to sit by me at lunch?" or "Hey dude! Are you baby sitting for Mrs. Lipstick tonight?" I see fingers waving when one friend calls out on the rug to indicate "that's 1". At least I frequently hear "THANK YOU!" in an upbeat, pleasant voice- apparently I say thank you a lot. 

Although our method of communicating with each friend works I need to carefully monitor myself. If everything I say or any small pattern I use to communicate gets copied I have to be extremely mindful of the classroom community. What message am I sending to the other children when I alter my direction? Is my "this is the direction" voice sounding exasperated or just matter-of-fact? Do the other children think the student is in trouble when I phrase things in a certain way because I'm letting my own lack of patience shine through? Am I differentiating appropriately while still maintaining the right amount of respect for each student?

It's eerie to hear our voices through the kids after only 3 weeks of school. It's a huge reminder to watch my own teacher language. I need to make sure that anything that comes out of my mouth is something I am comfortable with them repeating to each other. 

Teacher Language- When not to talk

"Never say anything a child could say"

As the presenter at our math staff development said these words I let the simple brilliance of it sink in.

Never say anything a child could say.

How many times do we give them their words, rush to fill in instruction, or shorten our wait time becomes it fits our needs? 

Or becomes the silence and the awkwardness of allowing a child to say it makes us uncomfortable? 

Or because silence and waiting makes us feel like we aren't in control? 

In my own practice in special ed I'm going to extend it to "Never say or DO anything a child could say or do."

Even with my almost a year old daughter (how on earth did that happen?) we are trying to let her do her own things. She likes to turn on and off the lights. It takes longer to leave a room, but it makes her feel like she is more in control. She likes to help buckle her car seat, which takes a lot longer when we're doing it together, but it lets her be a part of the getting-in-the-car routine. So much of her life is being carted around from here to there, it's important to give her an opportunity to be involved in her environment.

The same goes for our kids. If we do and say things for them they'll be more passive in their environments and what's worse, they will believe that we WANT them to be passive in their environments. They'll be less likely to feel as though they belong and are control in their environments.