"Oh, man!" Empathy and redirection in two small words

A speech pathologist I worked with a few years ago taught kids to say "Oh, Man!" when they lost a game. She didn't say "It's OK to lose. Sometimes losing happens. Get over it" like I'm often tempted to say. She didn't prevent them from playing games so that she wouldn't have to deal with the emotions.

"Oh, man!" she'd say with full out honest. "Better luck next time!"

It was perfect. Those two words- oh man- let the kids acknowledge their disappointment in the game. They don't have to hide their feelings or listen to teachers lecture them on good sportsmanship. But they don't have to cry either. "Oh, man!" lets them communicate to us without a fit.

Basically it's replacing the temper tantrum/losing frustration with one phrase that will do the exact same thing for the child (let us know he is mad) without a great big fuss.

I use this with my daughter daily. I started to do it when she was just learning to walk and would fall down. She was shocked and surprised by the fall and needed a way to tell us. "You are OK" which is my first reaction- wasn't letting her say, "Hey Mommy, I just fell down and it sucked." It worked. She'd stop crying almost immediately and repeat "Oh man".

Now she does it herself without being prompted. She'll take a big spill, stand up, shake off her hands and say, "OH MAN!"

I've started using it when she wants something she can't get- like when I've left her favorite toy at home and we're in the car on the way to school, or when it is breakfast time and she wants crackers instead of cereal.
"OH man!" I'll say, "We left your baby doll at home! Oh, man!" I'm acknowledging how she feels and that the situation isn't ideal. I'm not solving it for her, we're not turning the car around- but I'm also not saying, "well, this is your problem to deal with." For whatever reason it works.

In fact, she's started saying, "It's OK Mommy" when I say "Oh, Man". She's stated her problem, I empathized with her, and now she can say it is OK.

Without thinking I started using this on kids at school too. They'll tell me something that is distracting/off topic/a very small problem and I'll look them straight in the eye and say, "Oh, man!" Like my daughter they often say, "Yeah, but it's OK. I'll do...." and describe how they'll fix the problem. Like suddenly they have to reassure me that it is OK they forgot their coat on the playground (even though it is math time and they know I'm not going to let them do anything about that now.)

Suddenly I'm not saying, "We're not talking about that now." or "How are you going to fix that problem?" or "Next time you should do x, y, z." Two words and I've communicated that
1)I heard their problem
2) I get why they are upset/worried
 3) I'm not going to fix it for them

I don't always remember to do this. Yesterday I sat with a math group and was constantly saying, "We're not talking about that now." "Get back to work" "What will you do next time?"  I showed no empathy and instead we wasted a lot of teacher-talk on redirection.

I know it won't always work, but so far those two little words seem to be working surprisingly well.

It's OK to have feelings

One of the awesome teachers I work with is letting me take over her morning meeting for 5 minutes a day to teach about emotions. The goal is to get the kids talking and thinking about their own emotions, identify when they feel a certain way, and then give them the skills they need to independently use calming strategies. It's a a small five minutes a day but so far it is providing good conversation. We'll see if we reach our lofty goal of seeing more self calming strategies in play.

The other day we were reading Llama, Llama Misses Mama and we were identifying all of Llama's BIG emotions. At one point, after we'd identified that Llama, Llama was sad I asked the kids if that was OK. All but one said no, it wasn't OK to be sad.
"What about angry?" I asked. Nope, not OK to be angry they told us.

When kids don't let themselves accept certain feelings- when they feel ashamed or guilty about having certain emotions- they never learn how to regulate their emotions. You have to know when you are angry and why you get angry to be able to say "Hey, I'm angry. This would be a good time to take a deep breath and calm myself down." Or, "Wow, I'm really frustrated. Maybe I shouldn't make this really big decision right now."

If we never let ourselves be angry then we don't give ourselves permission to make realistic decisions. Instead we end up making big decisions out of anger we don't let ourselves acknowledge we feel, we say things we don't mean to people we love, and we deny that we are hurt by someone else's statements, which only leads to building resentment. We all do it. It's not easy to tell ourselves "It's OK to be sad."

My daughter's daycare provider is excellent at this. When my daughter cries she doesn't try to distract her or instantly make her happy. She labels what she's feeling. She says, "You are sad. It's OK to be sad. This is what sad feels like." Then she walks my daughter through calming down. My daughter just turned two and she'll take calming breathes without being told to when she is upset. (I swear I work so my daughter can stay in daycare.)

I need to take a step back on my emotions lessons. Before we can get into what we do when we are angry we need to let the kids know that it is OK to be angry. Or sad. Or excited. Having them be able to verbally tell us what to do when angry/sad/excited isn't going to do them much good if they are angry and they can't even recognize it.

Celebrate the Little Things

On Friday I sent what felt like the silliest email in the world to the school team invested in working with a particular student. My hand hesitated over the send button, wondering if it was really worth telling everyone about the small success the student had that day. It was small. Well, in the grand scheme of things it was small. For other children it was minuscule. For this child? It was monumental.

Out of context it seemed like a silly thing to celebrate. It was something we expect all children to do in school anyway. Even in context I worried about people on the team telling me that by celebrating things I wasn't having high enough expectations.

But we spend so much time getting bogged down in all the problems of the school day we often forget to celebrate the baby steps involved in moving forward. Sure, my email didn't say "the child is having a perfect day." But what I described is one baby step closer to our ideal goals for the child. And that is worth celebrating.

Identify problems in order to build strong solutions. Celebrate the baby steps along the way and keep focused on those long term goals. Use the excitement from the baby steps to give you the energy to keep going. Those long term goals will come.

Lost at School- initial thoughts

When I got home from school today I found an Amazon box waiting for me- with my brand new copy of Ross Green's book, Lost at School. His first book, The Explosive Child, is one I refer to all the time. The idea that he wrote a new book specifically addressing how to work with kids who have explosive behaviors in school was just too exciting. (And yes, the book is already out in paper back so I'm a little late to the party, but at least I'm here now!)

I immediately jumped into it (while my poor two year old was distracted by potty training her baby dolls).

I haven't read much, but I was already struck by a few ideas.

1. We have to shift our thinking from "Kids will do well if they want to" to "Kids will do well if they can." "Kids will do well if they want to" implies that they are intentionally misbehaving and that it is our job to cajole, manipulate and encourage them to behave, where "kids will do well if they can" gets us to think about the skills the student needs in order to behave. It stops us from thinking about how we need to motivate or punish the child and instead gets us to think about how we can teach the child the missing skills so that they are able to do well. (pg 10-11)

2. Are consequences (logical, natural, positive or negative) actually effective? Green writes, "...consequences only remind kids of what we don't want them to do, and give them the incentive to do something more adaptive instead. But they (the kids) already know what we don't want them to do, and they're already motivated to do something more adaptive instead. They need something else from us." 
Consequences will have no impact if we haven't helped the students get the skills they need to follow the rules. Kids know what the rules are, and they know we want them to behave, but if they do not have the skills to do so then how can they follow through? Consequences will only serve to frustrate them more.

So much of what we do in schools can be reactive. Even our proactive strategies aren't always focused on teaching missing skills. I'm really excited to dive into the book to read Green's suggestions on identifying and teaching the skills. Stay tuned for more...

Super Powers

Since it was pajama day at school I was wearing my "I teach, what's your super power?" t-shirt. 

This went over quite well with the third grade boys who were struck by the idea of teaching being a super power. 

One fairly active boy looked at me seriously, paused, and then said, "Teaching is your superpower and listening is mine!"

Dude, lets make that come true. I love that he decided listening could be a superpower, and that it was his.

And yeah, I kind of like the fact that the third grade boys decided I was a super hero. Even if it was only for one math lesson. 

Pros and Cons

I'm about a month into my new position and starting to feel like I'm finding my groove. Maybe. If I'm honest with myself (which I'm not always because it is easier to not think about things I can't change) I miss my old classroom a lot. I miss the kids like crazy. I miss lesson planning for them. I miss doing read alouds and asking "wh" questions and teaching them the difference between a who question and a where question.

I miss my own classroom, where I had all my school items at my finger tips. I miss singing songs and leading games on the smartboard. I miss the small victories that came during the day and I miss being able to share those victories with parents. I miss teaching my kids to read. I really do. I miss taking kids who have trouble holding a book and teaching them about text. I miss being frustrated with my inability to get through to a child and then the feeling of a breakthrough when something finally clicks. 

There is a lot I like about my current position. I have a lot more energy at the end of the day, which is a plus since I come home to a two year old. I get to work with amazing teachers. I get to co-teach, which I missed a lot last year when I felt like I was working in isolation. I get to have fun conversations with third graders, read and analyze books, and teach math beyond counting to 20. I'm learning a lot about third grade and I'm enjoying working with the kids. 

Both positions have their pros and cons. It's hard to walk by my classroom and not go in, but I'm starting to feel at home in my new rooms. 

I honestly don't think I expected to miss my class as much as I do. I knew I would miss them, but I was excited about the new challenges (and not having a choice means I didn't let myself take time to be sad about the change.) I'm meeting new kids and their finding their way into my heart, but I don't think they'll ever replace the amazing kids with intellectual disabilities that I had to leave. 

If Gangnam Style Hurts Girls Feelings Do Kinder Boys Care?

On Friday a group of kindergarten boys started into a rowdy rendition of Gangnam style. I went over and explained that although I too enjoy the song, it's not school appropriate.

"Why?" one asked.
"I KNOW" another said with big eyes. "Sexy lady"
Upset that I even was part of a conversation prompting this vocabulary I said, "We don't say that at school," and started to walk away, hoping that would be the end of that (like that's how it works with kinders...)

"What's that?" the first boy asked.
"Well," the second boy explained, "If you say that girls think you don't like them and that you aren't nice to girls. So you can't say it because it hurts their feelings."

WOW. Someone's mother did an excellent job of explaining that one.

The first boy shrugged. He didn't seemed to be bothered by hurting girls' feelings.

For the next 10 minutes the boys debated words they could put in place INSTEAD of sexy lady. It was an interesting debate of phonemic awareness and musical understanding. Luckily they soon found another topic.